An Unexpected Amazing Sunday

Yesterday was an exciting, amazing day, one that I’ll always remember. It’s a little disappointing to come back to real life today, but at least I’ll have the memory of yesterday 🙂

I was feeling really disappointed the week before, because I had signed up for two group bike rides that are taking place next weekend, and then I found out that my husband is going to take me on a surprise trip then. I’m excited for the mystery trip… but I was really looking forward to those two bike rides and had been talking about them constantly.

Both of the rides only take place once a year, and a lot of people in the winter biking competition that I’ve been participating in are doing them, so I’m sad to miss out. I wish my husband would have asked me to keep that weekend free first, so I wouldn’t have gotten so excited about the bike rides. Oh well.

On Saturday night, I happened to come across a post about an International Women’s Day biking scavenger hunt that was taking place the next day. It sounded pretty casual, and people could just show up and form teams on the day of the ride. I wavered all night and the next morning about participating, because the event was taking place on city streets, which I have no experience on, I’ve only ridden on trails and residential streets.

I ended up deciding to go, because it was a beautiful day and I knew I would regret it if I didn’t give it a shot, especially since I wouldn’t be able to do the group rides next weekend anymore. I figured if the city streets were too overwhelming for me on a bike, I could just bail on the scavenger hunt and head home.

I showed up and registered at the starting point, where they pointed me to an area where I could find a team. I approached a girl who was standing there by herself and asked her about teaming up, and I was sooo lucky to find her! She knew the city really well and had great advice for biking on the city streets. A couple more women were added to our team as well, and they were both so helpful too!

Once we figured out our route and selected which checkpoints we would try to get to for the scavenger hunt, we hopped on our bikes and headed to the first stop. I stayed in the back as we rode and tried to copy what my team members did to learn from them.

At first we were in a bike lane separated from car traffic and that wasn’t bad, but then we got to a scary couple of blocks with no bike lane and lots of cars around. I followed their instructions to get through the traffic, but it was pretty terrifying, especially when a cab started changing lanes and almost hit one of my teammates! We got through it though, and afterward my teammates congratulated me for biking through one of the worst spots in the city, and they assured me that the rest of the ride would be easy compared to that. They were right!

I had a blast as we made our way around the city, taking photos and participating in fun little activities for the scavenger hunt. It ended at a beer garden, where my team and I enjoyed a pitcher of beer while we found out the winners of the scavenger hunt. Sadly, we didn’t win, but it was all for fun 🙂

It was thrilling to bike around the city with inspiring, confident women, and I was happy and exhausted when I returned home last night. However, sadness soon began infiltrating my mood, and I started feeling like I’ve been missing out a lot in life. I wish that I had lived in the city at some point, but I’ve always lived across the river, and for the past couple of years I’ve lived farther out in the suburbs, because that’s where my husband and I work. I also work with almost all men, and they’re older with families and live even farther out in the suburbs.

I’ve wasted so much time in a career I don’t enjoy, at a location far from anything interesting, with people I have nothing in common with. It was so exciting to be surrounded by women for this event and to learn more about the city that I live close to, but now I feel so far away from it already, and I will most likely never see any of the people I met again.

I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for more group rides, especially rides for women, and hopefully they are just as amazing. I’ve been focusing a lot recently on the winter biking competition, and I’m trying to finish strong. There are only 10 more days left, and I’m now in 12th to last place, so I’m moving up! 🙂 My goal is to ride 30 days, 150 miles total, and I’m at 23 days, 87 miles right now. I definitely need to work on getting more miles in, but at least the weather is finally starting to improve. I’m worried my spirits are going to drop significantly again once the competition is over and I no longer have the winter biking goals, but I guess I’ll just have to come up with new goals.

Dreams that cannot be

I know I’m a few years late, but I watched the Les Miserables movie recently. I’ve never even seen the musical before or read the novel. All I really knew was that it was supposed to be sad and depressing, and I tend to stay away from sad stories. I’m afraid that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.

The most moving scene in the movie for me was, of course, Anne Hathaway singing “I Dreamed a Dream.” I know I haven’t suffered anywhere close to what Anne Hathaway’s Fantine character had been through, but I think many of us can identify with the song, with losing our innocence and having our lives turn out much differently than what we had dreamed.

For me, the song brought back memories of the first boy I loved, a boy I dated on and off through college and a little after. He was my neighbor in our freshman dorm, and we bonded instantly when we first met. I had never felt so close to someone before, and I fell deeply in love with him.

I made a terrible decision though.

I knew he had a girlfriend back at home, but I allowed him to continue his long distance relationship with her as our close friendship evolved into intimacy. He told me that he wanted to break up with her in person, and I didn’t want to hurt her. If only I had been a stronger person, I would have told him that I couldn’t be with him until he was single. I know what I did was wrong, and I’ll always regret it.

I avoided thinking about his girlfriend our freshman year, never knowing what was really going on with them. I wanted to be cool and not nag him about breaking up with her, and simply hoped that one day he would. During our winter break, he came to visit me for a few days and met my parents, but when we returned to school in January, he still hadn’t broken up with her. Yet we continued our college romance, even saying the words “I love you” to each other for the first time.

Shortly after, my father suddenly passed away. I can’t even begin to describe how devastated I felt when that happened, so I won’t go into it here, it’s a little too personal. After that happened, I decided that I HAD to be with with this college boy, because he would be the only boyfriend from now on who had met my father. My father had seemed like he liked him and approved of him too, so I thought this boy must be The One. I began to dream of our lives and future together, and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.

After our freshman year ended and we returned to our respective hometowns for the summer, we talked frequently on the phone, by email, and instant messaging. Early on that summer, I summoned the courage to ask him about his girlfriend, if their relationship was over, and he made it sound like it was. Whatever he told me, I completely trusted. I fell in love with him more and more that summer, and I remember how happy I was when he visited me, how beautiful and special I felt when he held me and told me how lucky he was to have me. He was my soul mate, and I thought we had been destined to be together.

I was excited to start our sophomore year as a couple, but everything started feeling off from the beginning. He began to pick on me and criticize me constantly. We were in the same chemistry class, and he would become furious with me if I received a better grade on a test, so I actually started purposefully writing in wrong answers on the tests. I remember obsessing over how I looked before each class, because I wanted to look my best so he would keep loving me. He started acting more and more cruel to me, but I was so hopelessly in love and devoted to him. Any self esteem or confidence that I had completely eroded away, and I always felt like I was never good enough for him.

The day before we left for our winter break that year, he came to my dorm room in a dark mood and barely spoke to me. I had made a little candle holder for him as a Christmas present and decorated it with penguins, which I gave to him hoping it would help cheer him up. Instead, he looked at it and began crying, telling me that he didn’t think we should be together anymore. I cried too and felt completely shattered. I miss the girl I was before that moment, who was naive and innocent, who fell in love completely, who showed her vulnerable side when she gave the boy she loved the little candle holder.

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

I recovered a little as I spent time at home during the winter break and began to gain some independence back. It was difficult when we returned to school, because we had isolated ourselves from other friends, but I tried hard to spend time apart from him even though he was my best friend. He soon began to flirt with me again, and the flirtations kept increasing. I got my hopes up and dreamed that we would be back together soon, and on Valentine’s day he instant messaged me about going out to dinner that evening. I was over the moon as we finalized plans for the date, but then he made a mistake that changed everything.

Somehow, he accidentally copied and pasted a conversation he was having with his “ex” girlfriend into our chat window, and I discovered that he was still with her, that they had never broken up. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken all over again. At that moment I cut off all communication with him.

After a couple of months of not speaking, I began dating a new guy, and the college boy wrote me a letter declaring his love for me and apologizing for everything he had done. He told me that I was the one he imagined he would marry someday. We slowly became friends again, and after many months of him telling me that he loved me and that he was no longer with his girlfriend back home, I finally gave in and got back together with him.

And I still dream he’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

We entered a terribly destructive cycle that continued for several more years – I’d find out that he was still with the other girl, I’d break up with him, I’d start dating someone else, he couldn’t handle me being with anyone but him, he would beg me to come back to him, and I always did. I completely changed over this time, and I’m extremely embarrassed and regretful of some of my actions. After he treated me so cruelly, unfortunately I reacted by being cruel to others around me. I became a cynical and negative person, just like him. I started hating myself and feeling stupid, inept, and ugly all of the time, and I built up walls to protect my vulnerable side, because I didn’t believe that anyone could actually like the real me anymore.

The last time I stopped talking to him, I still hoped that he would try to win me back again, but part of me knew this time it was for good. We were no longer in college together or even living in the same state. It really hurt that he had been my best friend for so long, but he didn’t care about trying to keep in touch with me anymore. Now I realize that it was for the best, as we would have never been happy together after how much pain we had put each other through, and if we had stayed in touch the destructive cycle would have never ended. I would have never been able to trust him, and he would have always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

Recently, I looked him up on social media for the first time since I stopped talking to him almost 8 years ago. He is married to that same girl he had cheated on with me for years, and they have a son together. I wonder if he thinks of me, and if he’s happy with how everything turned out for him. I’m guessing he is.

I’m married now too, to someone who is nothing like him, someone who is committed and supportive of me, who is optimistic and sees the best in people. I feel more at peace now, but I still don’t think I’ve recovered from the serious blows to my self esteem and trust over those years.

I let that destructive relationship define me for a long time and held on to the pain for too long, but I’m feeling less anger toward him now. We were young and immature, and we acted without considering all of the consequences. I wish he hadn’t been so cruel to me over those years, constantly making me feel like I wasn’t good enough, especially when I was weak after losing my father. I still wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t started a relationship with him while he had a girlfriend, but I’ll never know. I hope at least that he has changed into someone who wouldn’t cheat on his wife, and I hope that he feels guilty about his actions back then too.

Morning Routine

My morning routine has changed in the last few months.

Before, my alarm would go off at 7:30, and I’d press the snooze button once or twice, enjoying my last cozy moments in bed. My boyfriend/now husband would be leaving for work around this time, and he’d come back to the bedroom to kiss me goodbye as I dozed. While I lay in bed, I would think about problems I needed to solve at work, or plan what I would wear, or daydream about stories I liked to make up, or during the last year, daydream about my future wedding. I would usually get myself out of bed around 7:45, and quickly take care of the morning necessities, like showering, putting in contacts, brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc. I would have a bowl of cereal and browse Feedly on my phone a little, but I’d limit myself to only 5 – 10 minutes. I’d be out the door within 30 – 40 minutes of waking and at work by 8:45.

Lately, I’ve become very strange. I don’t even set an alarm anymore. I gradually start waking around 6:30 am, and panic starts to set in. Usually I’ve had a dream related to the wedding, where I get to do it all over or where something actually went right. As reality sets in, I obsess about everything I did wrong, and everything I have ever done wrong in my life, and the feelings of failure overwhelm me. Eventually, I grab my phone and try to distract myself, and lately I’ve been coming here, to WordPress, to get lost in other people’s lives on their blogs and read articles on Longreads.

When my husband comes in to kiss me goodbye, I hide my phone and pretend to sleep. After he leaves, eventually I force myself to shower, or lately, I’ve been taking baths, because I can continue to look at my phone and block out the negative thoughts. Holding my phone in the bath is probably not a good idea, but I don’t care. I stay in the bath for far too long, then throw on something to wear and eat my cereal, continuing to read on my phone.

Finally, around 9:00 in the morning, I suck it up and convince myself to finish getting ready and head out. I dread going to work, because I’m sure my coworkers have noticed how much I’ve changed recently. I’m late, I’ve lost motivation, I’m out of it, I make mistakes, I lose track of emails, I look sloppy. The project that I worked so hard on this year, that I was pressured to work extra hours on and come in on weekends, that I sacrificed so much time on instead of planning the wedding, is coming to an end. Work had always seemed so important before and I’ve always been extremely hardworking, but now I realize that losing and ruining important moments with my husband, my family, and his family were absolutely not worth it. I’m so embarrassed and angry with myself for making this pointless project such a huge priority this year, and being at work constantly reminds me of my regrets.

I’m beginning to look for a new job position, either on a different project or at a new company, which I think will force me back into a more normal morning routine and reduce the daily reminders of my mistakes this year. I’m heading out of town tomorrow to visit family for the holidays, so I won’t have to deal with work again until after Christmas, but I’ll still be waking up early and trying to find ways to block out my thoughts. Maybe after the holidays, in the new year with hopefully a new job soon, I’ll finally figure out how to stop obsessing so much about my regrets in the morning and enjoy the time instead.

Growing down instead of up

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how I have become less mature and less responsible as I age. How did that happen?

When I was 22, I moved across the country by myself after college to start my career on the east coast. I decorated my new apartment, bought furniture, and hung up pictures. I took the GRE and started grad school classes, all while I was working full time. I took two classes each semester and one class over the summers, and I completed my master’s in two years. I tried to keep up with the current styles and look attractive and put together.

I was proud of myself, too. I was a millennial who was successful in my job, made a good income, and lived in my own apartment, although I wished I lived closer to my family, or at least within driving distance.

At some point in my 20’s though, I think I stopped maturing. I started dating my now husband when I was 24, after we got drunk and made out one night. It was a rocky relationship at first, but eventually it smoothed out. After a few years, we moved in together. I really missed having alone time to myself, and it bothered me how he was content just laying on the couch all night, every night, watching TV. I fought with him about getting out of the apartment sometimes so that I could keep my sanity and have some “me” time. I fought with him because he never suggested dates or thought of any activities for us to do together, I was the one always coming up with ideas and making plans. I loved coming up with surprises for him, but I knew he would never put that much effort into planning something for me, gifts were always just something he could order from Amazon Prime. I wanted him to make decisions and be more of a leader in our relationship, or at least a partner. After we would fight, he’d make a little effort at first, but nothing would really change. Eventually I started giving up, and I joined the laziness club.

When I turned 29, I caught the marriage bug. I had always looked really young for my age, but all of a sudden I had wrinkles around my eyes and huge dark circles under them. At a family Christmas party (my husband wasn’t there), several of my family members made pitying remarks to me about how I wasn’t married yet and didn’t have kids, and I let them get to me. I told my husband about the comments, and for the first time we talked about marriage and he reassured me that he had thought about it, and that night we giddily discussed what type of wedding we would want. Then nothing happened.

I never wanted to pressure my future husband into marriage, and I always wanted a complete surprise proposal. However, I started feeling extremely impatient all of a sudden as I approached 30. I mentioned marriage to him two more times that year, when I was drunk and emotional. The second time, for some reason he told me he would propose by Thanksgiving (this was in September). I accepted this, and continued to wait.

Less than a week before Thanksgiving, I broke down again. I still thought he was going to propose by Thanksgiving, and it really angered me that he would tell me it would happen by a specific date and then just keep me waiting, so that I would know it was going to happen any second. Against my better judgement, I got overwhelmed by emotions and told him how I was feeling. I learned that he had forgotten he had told me he would propose by Thanksgiving, and that he really didn’t have any sort of plan for proposing besides getting a ring. I told him I was upset that it wasn’t really going to be a surprise anymore, but I also told him I didn’t want him to rush it, that I wanted him to actually make a plan for the proposal.

I felt better after letting my emotions out, and then the very next day, he did actually surprise me. I came out of the bedroom and he had lit a couple of candles and put on a jacket and button down shirt and got down on his knee and proposed by the cat food. For a second, I thought about telling him to stop, it felt weird because we had just been fighting the night before, and I was mad that he had rushed the proposal after I had told him not to. Instead, I decided to just go with it and be happy.

We already had plans for later in the night with his friends, which for some reason we still went to and didn’t tell anyone we were engaged. My husband asked if I wanted to go to brunch the next day at the restaurant where we had our first real date, which sounded nice so he made a quick reservation on OpenTable. That week, we started telling friends and family that we were engaged, and of course I was asked how he proposed, and I tried to figure out ways to romanticize the story. I know this sounds extremely immature, whiny, and ungrateful, but I started feeling really down about the proposal. That was it, what I had been waiting for?

Eventually I recovered from the proposal and got swept up in the wedding planning. Which I rushed and completely, epically, failed at. One day, I’ll try to write a post about the nightmare.

Now I’m married, but I’m feeling lost in life and incompetent. I regret rushing the engagement and the wedding and ruining those moments. I don’t like who I am and want to change, but I’m not sure how. I worked so hard and sacrificed so much time for a career I don’t enjoy or care about, but I don’t know yet what I would do instead. We want to eventually move to a different city (hopefully driving distance to my home town), but we don’t know where, and my husband doesn’t really like to travel that much. We want kids some day, but we know nothing about them, and I’m afraid I will be a terrible mother.

I am happy to be with my husband though, despite the issues we’ve had, because he is always positive and optimistic, he doesn’t live in regret, and I’m grateful that he doesn’t blame me for my mistakes.

I want to be the successful, organized, decision-making, attractive, put-together person I was at 22, but suddenly it seems so hard to do. I keep thinking that I don’t deserve to try to be that person anymore, and I’ll just keep failing, so what’s the point? I’ve been hoping that my recent attempts to try out new hobbies and build new friendships will trigger something in me that will bring back my passion for life and my motivation to grow up, but I’ve realized it won’t be an overnight change.

Hopefully one day soon I’ll find my way out of this rut, and I can post about how I overcame all of these negative feelings and became a better person, someone who I like again.

Hi, nice to meet you :)

I am completely new to blogging, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a thirty year old female, and I’ve been reflecting a lot on my life in the past couple of months. I have a lot of regrets and mistakes that I’ve made, and I’m currently feeling a little bit lost about my future.

I’m starting this blog to try something new, and maybe I can find others who are going through or have gone through a rut in their thirties or at any age and we can help each other.

I’m not sure if writing about my past failures and reflecting on them will help me find closure, but I’ll give it a shot and hopefully it will be good for me to open up, even if it’s just on an anonymous blog. I have a tendency to focus on the past too much and I know I need to move forward, so I’m planning to try out new activities and classes and write about those as well. Part of my problem is that I’m not passionate about my career or any hobbies right now, but hopefully I’ll start figuring it out as I throw myself into new experiences.

Thanks for reading!