Morning Routine

My morning routine has changed in the last few months.

Before, my alarm would go off at 7:30, and I’d press the snooze button once or twice, enjoying my last cozy moments in bed. My boyfriend/now husband would be leaving for work around this time, and he’d come back to the bedroom to kiss me goodbye as I dozed. While I lay in bed, I would think about problems I needed to solve at work, or plan what I would wear, or daydream about stories I liked to make up, or during the last year, daydream about my future wedding. I would usually get myself out of bed around 7:45, and quickly take care of the morning necessities, like showering, putting in contacts, brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc. I would have a bowl of cereal and browse Feedly on my phone a little, but I’d limit myself to only 5 – 10 minutes. I’d be out the door within 30 – 40 minutes of waking and at work by 8:45.

Lately, I’ve become very strange. I don’t even set an alarm anymore. I gradually start waking around 6:30 am, and panic starts to set in. Usually I’ve had a dream related to the wedding, where I get to do it all over or where something actually went right. As reality sets in, I obsess about everything I did wrong, and everything I have ever done wrong in my life, and the feelings of failure overwhelm me. Eventually, I grab my phone and try to distract myself, and lately I’ve been coming here, to WordPress, to get lost in other people’s lives on their blogs and read articles on Longreads.

When my husband comes in to kiss me goodbye, I hide my phone and pretend to sleep. After he leaves, eventually I force myself to shower, or lately, I’ve been taking baths, because I can continue to look at my phone and block out the negative thoughts. Holding my phone in the bath is probably not a good idea, but I don’t care. I stay in the bath for far too long, then throw on something to wear and eat my cereal, continuing to read on my phone.

Finally, around 9:00 in the morning, I suck it up and convince myself to finish getting ready and head out. I dread going to work, because I’m sure my coworkers have noticed how much I’ve changed recently. I’m late, I’ve lost motivation, I’m out of it, I make mistakes, I lose track of emails, I look sloppy. The project that I worked so hard on this year, that I was pressured to work extra hours on and come in on weekends, that I sacrificed so much time on instead of planning the wedding, is coming to an end. Work had always seemed so important before and I’ve always been extremely hardworking, but now I realize that losing and ruining important moments with my husband, my family, and his family were absolutely not worth it. I’m so embarrassed and angry with myself for making this pointless project such a huge priority this year, and being at work constantly reminds me of my regrets.

I’m beginning to look for a new job position, either on a different project or at a new company, which I think will force me back into a more normal morning routine and reduce the daily reminders of my mistakes this year. I’m heading out of town tomorrow to visit family for the holidays, so I won’t have to deal with work again until after Christmas, but I’ll still be waking up early and trying to find ways to block out my thoughts. Maybe after the holidays, in the new year with hopefully a new job soon, I’ll finally figure out how to stop obsessing so much about my regrets in the morning and enjoy the time instead.