Sending Good Thoughts

Last year, I decided that God didn’t exist. I wasn’t very religious before, but I had always believed in God and would pray from time to time for others who were facing difficult situations. Now, when I hear about something tragic, I automatically start to pray, but then I have to stop and remind myself that God no longer exists to me. I used to find comfort in praying for people I care about or people in desperate situations, so I think I will still pray in way, but I’ll consider it more like I’m sending good thoughts their way. Maybe, I’ll also try to be more proactive in doing something positive for friends, family, or anyone struggling.

Sending good thoughts to all of you out there 🙂 I haven’t been as active with posting lately, but I’m still here reading your blogs and wishing you all the best.

I can do this

Today will be challenging for me. But I’m going to work on silencing the sad, bitter, self-hating, jealous gremlin inside of me and try to just be happy. I’m going to smile, work on my self-confidence, and doll up and look pretty. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to feel hurt and judged by people who might say insensitive things to me without realizing how much I torment myself with their comments. I’m going to think of last night, giggling with my husband and snuggling with my cat and finishing up an entertaining book (Little Big Lies – Liane Moriarty). I am happy, and I am lucky. I can get through today. I won’t let my regrets and feelings of failure rule over me, because it’s in the past, and I just need to keep trying to be a better person.

A couple of nights ago, I ran in the 5k I mentioned before. I didn’t train as much as I wanted to beforehand, because I started taking an online course for work and it was taking up way more time than I expected. Plus I’m lazy, and it’s hot outside 🙂 I almost bailed on the race but made the decision the day-of to still do it. I was pretty certain that I wasn’t going to be able to finish it, and I was afraid that I would pass out, but for some reason I still wanted to try to do the race for the excitement of it, even though there was a high risk of embarrassment.

Then I ended up running my best time! No, I didn’t get down to 30 minutes like I had originally wanted, but I ran it in 31:57, and I finished and ran the whole time even though I’m pretty out of shape, so I was really happy with that time. Now my husband and I are about to go out for a run this morning, so hopefully I’ll keep up my motivation to run and exercise for a while. I also hope the run will improve my mood and confidence for later today when I really need it.

Get Through It

For about a year, I’ve been avoiding any activity that reminds me of my failures or allows my mind to wander too much, because my mind always goes to reliving my regrets, and I get consumed and overwhelmed by the negative thoughts.

A memory came to me yesterday though, and it’s providing some motivation for me to start functioning again.

I don’t think anyone knows about this, and it feels a little strange to write it here, sharing with strangers. Speaking about my father, and death in general, is really hard for me. I’ll keep it brief.

When I was a freshman in college, I was taking a biology course where we were learning about human anatomy and the heart. We were assigned topics to give presentations on, and I was to give a presentation on strokes. A couple of hours before my presentation, I received devastating news from my mother: my father had a stroke the night before. I was distraught, sobbing, but somehow pulled myself together before the class, and I still did the stroke presentation.

I guess I’m thinking that if I was able to get through that and go on with the presentation, and keep going on with life after he passed away, I should be able to keep going now. My Dad had a lot of tough times in his life, but he was strong and kept going, and he would hate to see me in this state of laziness and depression. Today, and from now on, I’m going to try to stop letting my bad memories and negative thoughts keep me from functioning.

Bachelorette Party Recap

Last post, I said I would end with writing about something positive that I’ve done that I’m happy about and then share something I’m feeling bad about to get off my chest.

The Good:

I made an aioli. I’m not a very good cook, and I always seem to screw something up whenever I try out a new recipe. For once, I made something and it turned out perfectly! Even if it was just an aioli, served with Trader Joe’s arancini bites, I’m still proud of it 🙂

How to make my easy Lemon Basil Aioli:

– What you need: 1 garlic clove, 1 raw egg (I read about ‘coddling’ to help prevent salmonella, so I boiled the egg for one minute first), 1/3 cup vegetable oil, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, 1 teaspoon dijon mustard, 2 teaspoons dried basil

– Put all of the above ingredients in a food processor, and process for a minute or two. Voila!

The Bad:

I’ve been distancing myself from my sister lately. I’ve realized that some of her actions the past few years have hurt me, although none of it was that bad and I should probably just get over it. I’m contemplating writing her an email to tell her what I’m upset about, but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I have so few close people in my life, do I really want to drive away another person, especially my sister? I’ve been ignoring her the past couple of weeks, so I need to decide: forgive and forget, or bring it all up and hash it out with her?

Recap of the weekend:

As I mentioned in my last post, I had a bachelorette party to attend last weekend. In hindsight, I really wish that I hadn’t gone. For one, this friend is someone I don’t feel very close to, who I think is inconsiderate and judgmental at times and makes me feel bad about myself, but for some reason I felt obligated to go. I was friends with her fiance first and felt really close to him before they started dating a few years ago, and he definitely has changed a lot since they met. In some ways, the changes have been good, but I still miss my old friend because we aren’t as close anymore. The bachelorette party was large, almost 20 people, and I got the sense that she hadn’t really wanted that many of us there either, she had just felt obligated to invite everyone. The majority of the group were friends who had known each other since elementary school, so I definitely felt like an awkward outsider the whole time. I’m finally learning that I need to say ‘no’ more, and maybe it would have been actually more polite if I had said no instead of going, and let her have that special time with her closer friends. I dunno.

Friday

I decided to take off work a little early today to have a little mental break before heading out of town. I’m going to a bachelorette party tomorrow, and I’m worried I’ll be constantly thinking about and reminded of all my problems and failures of last year during the trip. The bachelorette party will be with a large group of girls who I don’t know, and I have to drive one of the bride’s friends on the 4 hour trip, so I’m also worried about my shyness and awkwardness too.

I’m looking forward to tonight though 🙂 My husband and I are going to jazz in a sculpture garden, and then to a show for a podcast that we both enjoy listening to.

I had planned to write a lot more, but I’m feeling extra exhausted right now. I’m taking an online course that was encouraged for my job, and it’s taking up way more time than I expected. This week the lectures and lab took me 10 hours or so to complete, and I’ve been staying up really late trying to finish the work. There’s only one more week left at least!

I think I’m going to start ending my posts by listing something good I did today that I’m happy about or proud of, and if I need to I’ll also confess something I’m feeling guilty about at the moment to get it off my chest.

– I still feel really guilty and stupid for working so much last year and letting all of the wedding planning slip, and not taking off more time to prepare.

+ I went to the grocery store to get snacks for our sculpture garden outing later. Bread, cheese, fruit, yum 🙂

Insecurities

I wish that I could be myself around other people. For some reason, I like to be social and get out, but then when I’m out all I do is hate myself for being really awkward and saying or doing something embarrassing, or I feel silently hurt and overly sensitive about things my friends do or say, and overall I’m incapable of having conversations and I can’t seem to function as a normal person.

There is one pretty big problem that I have that is probably the source of all of my insecurities with speaking to people. My voice. I have always had a really hard time speaking loudly, clearly, enunciating, and my voice shakes a lot. I’m always worrying about how bad my voice is going to sound when I need to speak to or in front of people, and the more I worry the worse it gets. A while back, I used to watch a show called Mystery Diagnosis, and one episode was about a woman who had Spasmodic Disphonia. I really identified with the woman’s problems, and afterward I read up on it and secretly self-diagnosed myself with the condition. Symptoms are the voice sounds ‘strangled’, frequent breaks in speech, problems with vowel sounds. Unfortunately there is no cure, except to receive botox injections into the vocal chords to prevent the excessive contractions of the muscles that cause these speech problems. Botox injections seem pretty extreme (and painful!), but instead I have considered speech therapy and started looking around for somewhere to go. For some reason, I’m afraid to try to get help and feel really embarrassed by my problem. I’m actually really nervous just writing this post about it and acknowledging that I have this problem.

I feel a little silly now after writing in my last post that the new job seemed “too good to be true.” It hasn’t been going quite as well anymore, and as usual I’ve become the quiet, awkward, weird one at work. Some of the new coworkers are starting to seem a little judgmental, opinionated, and arrogant, which has made me feel self-conscious, uncertain, and nervous around them. I wrote before that I was going to try to be more outgoing and work on becoming friends with them, but instead I just started worrying about saying anything around them because I thought I would just sound stupid. I really need work on my confidence, why do I freak out so much about what people will think of me?

I’m embarrassed too because I think I should be a lot better at my job at this point in my career. I’m a good team member and I work hard and get things done, but I’m not a leader or decision-maker. I have a lot more responsibility at this new job, and I’m worried that I won’t succeed with the large tasks assigned to me now. I just want to work a couple more years, continue to save money, then somehow try to figure out a new career that will make me happier.

On the overly-sensitive side of my social problems, I had a moment yesterday. Ugh. My husband and I went camping with some friends, and a few of them decided to construct a shelter from the forecasted rain with a tarp. Someone of course brought up our disaster wedding and the torrential rain pouring down off the wedding tent and people who got wet during it and the whole nightmare. I just stood there with a frozen smile as they brought up and laughed about everything. As the topic moved on to something else, I felt the tears coming and tried to stop it, but a few slipped out. I hope no one noticed… well, I know my husband saw me and he put his arm around me, which just made me want to break down and cry more. I made my way to our tent where I let the tears fall and tried to recover a bit. I really hope no one paid any attention to me and I hope my red eyes and nose weren’t too obvious. I know I need to be over all of this by now, but I really just can’t believe how horribly I failed at the wedding and I can’t get past the guilt and shame. I’m constantly thinking about all of the mistakes I made and repeat in my head over and over what a failure I am. Yeah I know, it’s pathetic.

Anyway, I’ll try to block out the negative voice now and end on a more positive note 🙂 Last night, my husband and I were near a bar that we used to go to a lot, and we decided to drop in and play some darts. I forgot how much fun it is! We actually decided today to bike over to the bar and play again this afternoon, and we had a blast. I think it might become a regular Sunday afternoon activity for us. I had played once with a friend who was in a league at this bar on Sunday evenings a long time ago, and I looked up to see if the league still existed, but it doesn’t look like it. It’s too bad, because I remember having the best time that one night I played with them. I’ll keep trying to do some more research on dart leagues, but for now my husband and I will enjoy just competing against each other.

Starting Fresh

I was uploading my recent travel photos to my computer tonight, and afterward I decided to scroll through some of my wedding photos. I had been avoiding them for a while, and I know it’s shallow, but they made me cry. Our wedding photographer was a nice person, but I don’t think she did a very good job. She was one of my many wedding mistakes.

I’ve had some thoughts about taking some do-over photos this summer with a different photographer. It would be so embarrassing though, and painful to relive the bad memories of our disastrous wedding. I would love to have a wedding photo with my mother, sister, and me, and a picture of my husband with us too. Sadly, we didn’t get any photos together that day, although I did attempt to photoshop some, which I emailed to my mom. I’m not sure if she knows they were photoshopped, and I found out that she mailed the photos in her Christmas card. I really hope no one could tell that they were photoshopped. I know I’m overly sensitive about all of this stupid wedding stuff, but I feel like I let everyone down that day and it breaks my heart.

Despite crying tonight over the wedding photos, I’ve been doing better lately. I started a new job last week, and I’m happy so far with my decision. I keep thinking it almost seems to good to be true. I got a new haircut and highlights and some new work clothes, and I feel like I’m starting fresh and moving on from the darkness and negativity I was feeling before.

I’m still a little lonely and and sad about my lack of any real friendships. My husband was out of town this weekend, but I kept myself busy with bike riding and last night I randomly searched Meetup to see if any groups were going to an 80’s concert that I wanted to go to. I actually found a group, so an hour before the concert I joined and rsvp’ed for the event, then threw together a semi-80’s outfit. The concert was pretty fun and I enjoyed meeting the people in the group, so I’m glad I went. The biking meetup group that I had participated in before hasn’t been as active lately, which is too bad because I really like the people in that group and thought I could be friends with them.

I’m going to work on becoming more outgoing at my new workplace and get to know my coworkers and maybe it will develop into new friendships 🙂

Dreams that cannot be

I know I’m a few years late, but I watched the Les Miserables movie recently. I’ve never even seen the musical before or read the novel. All I really knew was that it was supposed to be sad and depressing, and I tend to stay away from sad stories. I’m afraid that once I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.

The most moving scene in the movie for me was, of course, Anne Hathaway singing “I Dreamed a Dream.” I know I haven’t suffered anywhere close to what Anne Hathaway’s Fantine character had been through, but I think many of us can identify with the song, with losing our innocence and having our lives turn out much differently than what we had dreamed.

For me, the song brought back memories of the first boy I loved, a boy I dated on and off through college and a little after. He was my neighbor in our freshman dorm, and we bonded instantly when we first met. I had never felt so close to someone before, and I fell deeply in love with him.

I made a terrible decision though.

I knew he had a girlfriend back at home, but I allowed him to continue his long distance relationship with her as our close friendship evolved into intimacy. He told me that he wanted to break up with her in person, and I didn’t want to hurt her. If only I had been a stronger person, I would have told him that I couldn’t be with him until he was single. I know what I did was wrong, and I’ll always regret it.

I avoided thinking about his girlfriend our freshman year, never knowing what was really going on with them. I wanted to be cool and not nag him about breaking up with her, and simply hoped that one day he would. During our winter break, he came to visit me for a few days and met my parents, but when we returned to school in January, he still hadn’t broken up with her. Yet we continued our college romance, even saying the words “I love you” to each other for the first time.

Shortly after, my father suddenly passed away. I can’t even begin to describe how devastated I felt when that happened, so I won’t go into it here, it’s a little too personal. After that happened, I decided that I HAD to be with with this college boy, because he would be the only boyfriend from now on who had met my father. My father had seemed like he liked him and approved of him too, so I thought this boy must be The One. I began to dream of our lives and future together, and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.

After our freshman year ended and we returned to our respective hometowns for the summer, we talked frequently on the phone, by email, and instant messaging. Early on that summer, I summoned the courage to ask him about his girlfriend, if their relationship was over, and he made it sound like it was. Whatever he told me, I completely trusted. I fell in love with him more and more that summer, and I remember how happy I was when he visited me, how beautiful and special I felt when he held me and told me how lucky he was to have me. He was my soul mate, and I thought we had been destined to be together.

I was excited to start our sophomore year as a couple, but everything started feeling off from the beginning. He began to pick on me and criticize me constantly. We were in the same chemistry class, and he would become furious with me if I received a better grade on a test, so I actually started purposefully writing in wrong answers on the tests. I remember obsessing over how I looked before each class, because I wanted to look my best so he would keep loving me. He started acting more and more cruel to me, but I was so hopelessly in love and devoted to him. Any self esteem or confidence that I had completely eroded away, and I always felt like I was never good enough for him.

The day before we left for our winter break that year, he came to my dorm room in a dark mood and barely spoke to me. I had made a little candle holder for him as a Christmas present and decorated it with penguins, which I gave to him hoping it would help cheer him up. Instead, he looked at it and began crying, telling me that he didn’t think we should be together anymore. I cried too and felt completely shattered. I miss the girl I was before that moment, who was naive and innocent, who fell in love completely, who showed her vulnerable side when she gave the boy she loved the little candle holder.

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

I recovered a little as I spent time at home during the winter break and began to gain some independence back. It was difficult when we returned to school, because we had isolated ourselves from other friends, but I tried hard to spend time apart from him even though he was my best friend. He soon began to flirt with me again, and the flirtations kept increasing. I got my hopes up and dreamed that we would be back together soon, and on Valentine’s day he instant messaged me about going out to dinner that evening. I was over the moon as we finalized plans for the date, but then he made a mistake that changed everything.

Somehow, he accidentally copied and pasted a conversation he was having with his “ex” girlfriend into our chat window, and I discovered that he was still with her, that they had never broken up. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken all over again. At that moment I cut off all communication with him.

After a couple of months of not speaking, I began dating a new guy, and the college boy wrote me a letter declaring his love for me and apologizing for everything he had done. He told me that I was the one he imagined he would marry someday. We slowly became friends again, and after many months of him telling me that he loved me and that he was no longer with his girlfriend back home, I finally gave in and got back together with him.

And I still dream he’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

We entered a terribly destructive cycle that continued for several more years – I’d find out that he was still with the other girl, I’d break up with him, I’d start dating someone else, he couldn’t handle me being with anyone but him, he would beg me to come back to him, and I always did. I completely changed over this time, and I’m extremely embarrassed and regretful of some of my actions. After he treated me so cruelly, unfortunately I reacted by being cruel to others around me. I became a cynical and negative person, just like him. I started hating myself and feeling stupid, inept, and ugly all of the time, and I built up walls to protect my vulnerable side, because I didn’t believe that anyone could actually like the real me anymore.

The last time I stopped talking to him, I still hoped that he would try to win me back again, but part of me knew this time it was for good. We were no longer in college together or even living in the same state. It really hurt that he had been my best friend for so long, but he didn’t care about trying to keep in touch with me anymore. Now I realize that it was for the best, as we would have never been happy together after how much pain we had put each other through, and if we had stayed in touch the destructive cycle would have never ended. I would have never been able to trust him, and he would have always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

Recently, I looked him up on social media for the first time since I stopped talking to him almost 8 years ago. He is married to that same girl he had cheated on with me for years, and they have a son together. I wonder if he thinks of me, and if he’s happy with how everything turned out for him. I’m guessing he is.

I’m married now too, to someone who is nothing like him, someone who is committed and supportive of me, who is optimistic and sees the best in people. I feel more at peace now, but I still don’t think I’ve recovered from the serious blows to my self esteem and trust over those years.

I let that destructive relationship define me for a long time and held on to the pain for too long, but I’m feeling less anger toward him now. We were young and immature, and we acted without considering all of the consequences. I wish he hadn’t been so cruel to me over those years, constantly making me feel like I wasn’t good enough, especially when I was weak after losing my father. I still wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t started a relationship with him while he had a girlfriend, but I’ll never know. I hope at least that he has changed into someone who wouldn’t cheat on his wife, and I hope that he feels guilty about his actions back then too.

Invisible

I’m probably too old to be writing about feeling invisible at age 30, it seems like a phase teenagers go through in highschool.

A former roommate and I have thrown an annual party since we graduated from college. It’s a cocktail party with a bit of a silly and immature premise, and as we get older fewer people participate in it. However, a friend who lives out of town asks us every year when we’re going to have the party and she comes down to visit for the weekend, so we’ve still been doing it mostly because of her.

At these parties, I feel like a ghost. Our guests come in, hug and greet each other, take pictures with each other and post them on facebook, and leave without acknowledging me at all. It’s like I wasn’t even there, even though I mainly organized it, invited everyone, bought the drinks, food, and supplies, decorated and set up, etc. I really hope it doesn’t sound like I do it all just so that people will thank me afterward. Despite being shy and awkward, I love themed parties and if I could host a themed party for every holiday or for any little reason I totally would! I try really hard at these parties to be social with my friends, check in with them, ask them questions, join in conversations, but I’m just not that funny or interesting, and I end up feeling like an outsider.

The same thing happened at my Halloween party last fall. I would never go to a party and not talk to the host at all; they would be the first person I would want to say hi to and I would always say goodbye to them before leaving. It especially hurts because these are people who I have known for a long time and have considered them to be close friends of mine.

I do have a selfish fear, and I feel really guilty about it. I’ve had a number of friends who meet each other through me, and then they become best friends and leave me in the dust, and I barely hear from them again. There is potential that this could happen again soon with a couple more friends. I guess it’s nice to bring people together, but it kind of sucks when I have no close friends and everyone around me is bonding and telling me how amazing my other friends are. What’s wrong with me and why can’t I be their new best friend?

Okay, enough of my pity party post. Thank you blog for allowing me to vent and open up about what’s been secretly bothering me. I will try to get back on track with trying out new activities and writing about them in my next post!

The Pit

If you’ve been following this blog at all, you can probably tell that I’ve been going through a little bit of a breakdown the past few months. I suddenly fell into a deep pit, and I haven’t found the strength to make my way out yet. Sometimes my hands are at the sides of the pit, starting to grab hold to make the climb out, but I just can’t find the motivation to actually do it. Every time I start thinking, okay, this is enough, time to get better, time to overcome this, I look up at how far I have to go, and give up. I’m afraid I’ll just fall back down. I’m afraid it will all be pointless to go through the trouble. I tried hard to not fall into the pit in the first place, and yet here I am at the bottom.

Sometimes it seems like I’m digging deeper into the pit, losing sight of the way out. Negative thoughts and self-loathing start burying me. I used to care what friends, coworkers, and family thought about me, but at the bottom of the pit, I can at least hide. I can stop trying. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe I needed to fall in so that I can focus on myself and try to figure out how to make myself happy. To figure out what’s really important and how I want my future to be.

When the negative feelings first started hitting me, I thought, okay I have to distract myself… try new activities! make new friends! now!! and all of a sudden I would be better again. There would be some sudden switch to make all of the bad feelings disappear. But I’ve realized it’s not that easy, and I’ve stopped pushing myself as hard. I want to spend more time at home and make myself happy there, and spend quality time with people who are kind and caring, and spend less time with friends who are judgmental and inconsiderate. My closest friend is my twin sister, but sometimes I’m not sure which category she falls in. She did some things this year that hurt me, but I don’t think she meant to. She makes me feel bad about myself sometimes though. She recently moved away and a tiny part of me is happy, because I won’t have to keep trying to please her anymore.

Anyway, I’ll try to be more positive in my future posts and give updates if I do manage to start climbing out of the pit. I’m planning a short trip this weekend with my husband, and I’m excited to escape for a couple of days and see some new sights.