Sending Good Thoughts

Last year, I decided that God didn’t exist. I wasn’t very religious before, but I had always believed in God and would pray from time to time for others who were facing difficult situations. Now, when I hear about something tragic, I automatically start to pray, but then I have to stop and remind myself that God no longer exists to me. I used to find comfort in praying for people I care about or people in desperate situations, so I think I will still pray in way, but I’ll consider it more like I’m sending good thoughts their way. Maybe, I’ll also try to be more proactive in doing something positive for friends, family, or anyone struggling.

Sending good thoughts to all of you out there 🙂 I haven’t been as active with posting lately, but I’m still here reading your blogs and wishing you all the best.

I can do this

Today will be challenging for me. But I’m going to work on silencing the sad, bitter, self-hating, jealous gremlin inside of me and try to just be happy. I’m going to smile, work on my self-confidence, and doll up and look pretty. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to feel hurt and judged by people who might say insensitive things to me without realizing how much I torment myself with their comments. I’m going to think of last night, giggling with my husband and snuggling with my cat and finishing up an entertaining book (Little Big Lies – Liane Moriarty). I am happy, and I am lucky. I can get through today. I won’t let my regrets and feelings of failure rule over me, because it’s in the past, and I just need to keep trying to be a better person.

A couple of nights ago, I ran in the 5k I mentioned before. I didn’t train as much as I wanted to beforehand, because I started taking an online course for work and it was taking up way more time than I expected. Plus I’m lazy, and it’s hot outside 🙂 I almost bailed on the race but made the decision the day-of to still do it. I was pretty certain that I wasn’t going to be able to finish it, and I was afraid that I would pass out, but for some reason I still wanted to try to do the race for the excitement of it, even though there was a high risk of embarrassment.

Then I ended up running my best time! No, I didn’t get down to 30 minutes like I had originally wanted, but I ran it in 31:57, and I finished and ran the whole time even though I’m pretty out of shape, so I was really happy with that time. Now my husband and I are about to go out for a run this morning, so hopefully I’ll keep up my motivation to run and exercise for a while. I also hope the run will improve my mood and confidence for later today when I really need it.

Get Through It

For about a year, I’ve been avoiding any activity that reminds me of my failures or allows my mind to wander too much, because my mind always goes to reliving my regrets, and I get consumed and overwhelmed by the negative thoughts.

A memory came to me yesterday though, and it’s providing some motivation for me to start functioning again.

I don’t think anyone knows about this, and it feels a little strange to write it here, sharing with strangers. Speaking about my father, and death in general, is really hard for me. I’ll keep it brief.

When I was a freshman in college, I was taking a biology course where we were learning about human anatomy and the heart. We were assigned topics to give presentations on, and I was to give a presentation on strokes. A couple of hours before my presentation, I received devastating news from my mother: my father had a stroke the night before. I was distraught, sobbing, but somehow pulled myself together before the class, and I still did the stroke presentation.

I guess I’m thinking that if I was able to get through that and go on with the presentation, and keep going on with life after he passed away, I should be able to keep going now. My Dad had a lot of tough times in his life, but he was strong and kept going, and he would hate to see me in this state of laziness and depression. Today, and from now on, I’m going to try to stop letting my bad memories and negative thoughts keep me from functioning.

Bachelorette Party Recap

Last post, I said I would end with writing about something positive that I’ve done that I’m happy about and then share something I’m feeling bad about to get off my chest.

The Good:

I made an aioli. I’m not a very good cook, and I always seem to screw something up whenever I try out a new recipe. For once, I made something and it turned out perfectly! Even if it was just an aioli, served with Trader Joe’s arancini bites, I’m still proud of it 🙂

How to make my easy Lemon Basil Aioli:

– What you need: 1 garlic clove, 1 raw egg (I read about ‘coddling’ to help prevent salmonella, so I boiled the egg for one minute first), 1/3 cup vegetable oil, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, 1 teaspoon dijon mustard, 2 teaspoons dried basil

– Put all of the above ingredients in a food processor, and process for a minute or two. Voila!

The Bad:

I’ve been distancing myself from my sister lately. I’ve realized that some of her actions the past few years have hurt me, although none of it was that bad and I should probably just get over it. I’m contemplating writing her an email to tell her what I’m upset about, but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I have so few close people in my life, do I really want to drive away another person, especially my sister? I’ve been ignoring her the past couple of weeks, so I need to decide: forgive and forget, or bring it all up and hash it out with her?

Recap of the weekend:

As I mentioned in my last post, I had a bachelorette party to attend last weekend. In hindsight, I really wish that I hadn’t gone. For one, this friend is someone I don’t feel very close to, who I think is inconsiderate and judgmental at times and makes me feel bad about myself, but for some reason I felt obligated to go. I was friends with her fiance first and felt really close to him before they started dating a few years ago, and he definitely has changed a lot since they met. In some ways, the changes have been good, but I still miss my old friend because we aren’t as close anymore. The bachelorette party was large, almost 20 people, and I got the sense that she hadn’t really wanted that many of us there either, she had just felt obligated to invite everyone. The majority of the group were friends who had known each other since elementary school, so I definitely felt like an awkward outsider the whole time. I’m finally learning that I need to say ‘no’ more, and maybe it would have been actually more polite if I had said no instead of going, and let her have that special time with her closer friends. I dunno.

Friday

I decided to take off work a little early today to have a little mental break before heading out of town. I’m going to a bachelorette party tomorrow, and I’m worried I’ll be constantly thinking about and reminded of all my problems and failures of last year during the trip. The bachelorette party will be with a large group of girls who I don’t know, and I have to drive one of the bride’s friends on the 4 hour trip, so I’m also worried about my shyness and awkwardness too.

I’m looking forward to tonight though 🙂 My husband and I are going to jazz in a sculpture garden, and then to a show for a podcast that we both enjoy listening to.

I had planned to write a lot more, but I’m feeling extra exhausted right now. I’m taking an online course that was encouraged for my job, and it’s taking up way more time than I expected. This week the lectures and lab took me 10 hours or so to complete, and I’ve been staying up really late trying to finish the work. There’s only one more week left at least!

I think I’m going to start ending my posts by listing something good I did today that I’m happy about or proud of, and if I need to I’ll also confess something I’m feeling guilty about at the moment to get it off my chest.

– I still feel really guilty and stupid for working so much last year and letting all of the wedding planning slip, and not taking off more time to prepare.

+ I went to the grocery store to get snacks for our sculpture garden outing later. Bread, cheese, fruit, yum 🙂

Running Again

I’m going for a run tonight. Hopefully writing this will make me actually follow through 🙂

It’s a beautiful evening, and the old me would have always taken advantage of nice weather to do something outdoors. New me is much more inclined to lay on the couch wrapped in a comforter trying to numb my brain and block out the world with Netflix. Old me hated spending evenings watching TV, new me can’t seem to stop.

Having goals motivates me a lot, and I just registered for a 5k in July, so I need to start preparing. I ran a 5k back in the fall and felt really good about it, but I haven’t run since then! In fact, I haven’t really done any exercise at all except for some bike rides on the weekends. I think I’m in much better biking shape than I’ve been in the past, so fingers crossed that it also translates into better running shape. My goal time for this 5k? I’m gonna go with……….?????….. 30 minutes??? That might be a little crazy for me, I may update that after this run tonight 🙂

Insecurities

I wish that I could be myself around other people. For some reason, I like to be social and get out, but then when I’m out all I do is hate myself for being really awkward and saying or doing something embarrassing, or I feel silently hurt and overly sensitive about things my friends do or say, and overall I’m incapable of having conversations and I can’t seem to function as a normal person.

There is one pretty big problem that I have that is probably the source of all of my insecurities with speaking to people. My voice. I have always had a really hard time speaking loudly, clearly, enunciating, and my voice shakes a lot. I’m always worrying about how bad my voice is going to sound when I need to speak to or in front of people, and the more I worry the worse it gets. A while back, I used to watch a show called Mystery Diagnosis, and one episode was about a woman who had Spasmodic Disphonia. I really identified with the woman’s problems, and afterward I read up on it and secretly self-diagnosed myself with the condition. Symptoms are the voice sounds ‘strangled’, frequent breaks in speech, problems with vowel sounds. Unfortunately there is no cure, except to receive botox injections into the vocal chords to prevent the excessive contractions of the muscles that cause these speech problems. Botox injections seem pretty extreme (and painful!), but instead I have considered speech therapy and started looking around for somewhere to go. For some reason, I’m afraid to try to get help and feel really embarrassed by my problem. I’m actually really nervous just writing this post about it and acknowledging that I have this problem.

I feel a little silly now after writing in my last post that the new job seemed “too good to be true.” It hasn’t been going quite as well anymore, and as usual I’ve become the quiet, awkward, weird one at work. Some of the new coworkers are starting to seem a little judgmental, opinionated, and arrogant, which has made me feel self-conscious, uncertain, and nervous around them. I wrote before that I was going to try to be more outgoing and work on becoming friends with them, but instead I just started worrying about saying anything around them because I thought I would just sound stupid. I really need work on my confidence, why do I freak out so much about what people will think of me?

I’m embarrassed too because I think I should be a lot better at my job at this point in my career. I’m a good team member and I work hard and get things done, but I’m not a leader or decision-maker. I have a lot more responsibility at this new job, and I’m worried that I won’t succeed with the large tasks assigned to me now. I just want to work a couple more years, continue to save money, then somehow try to figure out a new career that will make me happier.

On the overly-sensitive side of my social problems, I had a moment yesterday. Ugh. My husband and I went camping with some friends, and a few of them decided to construct a shelter from the forecasted rain with a tarp. Someone of course brought up our disaster wedding and the torrential rain pouring down off the wedding tent and people who got wet during it and the whole nightmare. I just stood there with a frozen smile as they brought up and laughed about everything. As the topic moved on to something else, I felt the tears coming and tried to stop it, but a few slipped out. I hope no one noticed… well, I know my husband saw me and he put his arm around me, which just made me want to break down and cry more. I made my way to our tent where I let the tears fall and tried to recover a bit. I really hope no one paid any attention to me and I hope my red eyes and nose weren’t too obvious. I know I need to be over all of this by now, but I really just can’t believe how horribly I failed at the wedding and I can’t get past the guilt and shame. I’m constantly thinking about all of the mistakes I made and repeat in my head over and over what a failure I am. Yeah I know, it’s pathetic.

Anyway, I’ll try to block out the negative voice now and end on a more positive note 🙂 Last night, my husband and I were near a bar that we used to go to a lot, and we decided to drop in and play some darts. I forgot how much fun it is! We actually decided today to bike over to the bar and play again this afternoon, and we had a blast. I think it might become a regular Sunday afternoon activity for us. I had played once with a friend who was in a league at this bar on Sunday evenings a long time ago, and I looked up to see if the league still existed, but it doesn’t look like it. It’s too bad, because I remember having the best time that one night I played with them. I’ll keep trying to do some more research on dart leagues, but for now my husband and I will enjoy just competing against each other.