I wish that I could be myself around other people. For some reason, I like to be social and get out, but then when I’m out all I do is hate myself for being really awkward and saying or doing something embarrassing, or I feel silently hurt and overly sensitive about things my friends do or say, and overall I’m incapable of having conversations and I can’t seem to function as a normal person.
There is one pretty big problem that I have that is probably the source of all of my insecurities with speaking to people. My voice. I have always had a really hard time speaking loudly, clearly, enunciating, and my voice shakes a lot. I’m always worrying about how bad my voice is going to sound when I need to speak to or in front of people, and the more I worry the worse it gets. A while back, I used to watch a show called Mystery Diagnosis, and one episode was about a woman who had Spasmodic Disphonia. I really identified with the woman’s problems, and afterward I read up on it and secretly self-diagnosed myself with the condition. Symptoms are the voice sounds ‘strangled’, frequent breaks in speech, problems with vowel sounds. Unfortunately there is no cure, except to receive botox injections into the vocal chords to prevent the excessive contractions of the muscles that cause these speech problems. Botox injections seem pretty extreme (and painful!), but instead I have considered speech therapy and started looking around for somewhere to go. For some reason, I’m afraid to try to get help and feel really embarrassed by my problem. I’m actually really nervous just writing this post about it and acknowledging that I have this problem.
I feel a little silly now after writing in my last post that the new job seemed “too good to be true.” It hasn’t been going quite as well anymore, and as usual I’ve become the quiet, awkward, weird one at work. Some of the new coworkers are starting to seem a little judgmental, opinionated, and arrogant, which has made me feel self-conscious, uncertain, and nervous around them. I wrote before that I was going to try to be more outgoing and work on becoming friends with them, but instead I just started worrying about saying anything around them because I thought I would just sound stupid. I really need work on my confidence, why do I freak out so much about what people will think of me?
I’m embarrassed too because I think I should be a lot better at my job at this point in my career. I’m a good team member and I work hard and get things done, but I’m not a leader or decision-maker. I have a lot more responsibility at this new job, and I’m worried that I won’t succeed with the large tasks assigned to me now. I just want to work a couple more years, continue to save money, then somehow try to figure out a new career that will make me happier.
On the overly-sensitive side of my social problems, I had a moment yesterday. Ugh. My husband and I went camping with some friends, and a few of them decided to construct a shelter from the forecasted rain with a tarp. Someone of course brought up our disaster wedding and the torrential rain pouring down off the wedding tent and people who got wet during it and the whole nightmare. I just stood there with a frozen smile as they brought up and laughed about everything. As the topic moved on to something else, I felt the tears coming and tried to stop it, but a few slipped out. I hope no one noticed… well, I know my husband saw me and he put his arm around me, which just made me want to break down and cry more. I made my way to our tent where I let the tears fall and tried to recover a bit. I really hope no one paid any attention to me and I hope my red eyes and nose weren’t too obvious. I know I need to be over all of this by now, but I really just can’t believe how horribly I failed at the wedding and I can’t get past the guilt and shame. I’m constantly thinking about all of the mistakes I made and repeat in my head over and over what a failure I am. Yeah I know, it’s pathetic.
Anyway, I’ll try to block out the negative voice now and end on a more positive note 🙂 Last night, my husband and I were near a bar that we used to go to a lot, and we decided to drop in and play some darts. I forgot how much fun it is! We actually decided today to bike over to the bar and play again this afternoon, and we had a blast. I think it might become a regular Sunday afternoon activity for us. I had played once with a friend who was in a league at this bar on Sunday evenings a long time ago, and I looked up to see if the league still existed, but it doesn’t look like it. It’s too bad, because I remember having the best time that one night I played with them. I’ll keep trying to do some more research on dart leagues, but for now my husband and I will enjoy just competing against each other.